Glancing Back

From my personal Journal (a little depression, a little humor, a lot of inspiration)

July 9, 2004
"My son is my biggest source of confidence because he makes me want to succeed."

July 30, 2004
"I thought I was this strong, confident young woman and lately I've been noticing that I've been putting up a front to hide all the pain. Who I really am is just a scared shitless little girl; scared of failing, losing, hurting."

"I've been through so much and overcome so many obstacles without someone holding my hand. It's been a lonely journey but it's all I've ever known."

February 16, 2005
"I long for more fulfillment. I long for an unconditional love."

"My mind is crowded with thoughts of trying but not acheving."

July 27, 2005
"I think I'm gonna miss that old jerk. No teacher of mine has ever called me anything other than 'Blotz' and this professor actually called me 'Amador' which is pretty ironic considering the fact I despised that damned bad excuse for public education."

March 27, 2006
"My journals are a mess, just like my life."

"Regularity must be boring because I've always prayed for fun and adventure and this is what I got."

June 1, 2006
"What if my dreams are just unrealistic fantasies?"

"Life can be so discouraging sometimes."

July 9, 2006
"Instead of driving around with the windows down and music blasting or catching rays by the pool with a cocktail, I'm writing speeches and applying Schechner's theories to Medea."

January 1, 2007
"I can't imagine my life without him, yet it might have already begun."

"How did I break my own heart?"

December 2008
"What they don't know is I'm up for the challenge. I can't be faded anymore. You can't weaken a person who has lost herself and found herself again."

Before I Start Preparing to Begin

I have to face the fact that I cannot rely on people to heal my pain. Nobody is to blame. I have to stop turning my addictions into scapegoats. It'll be a year tomorrow and it still feels like yesterday.

Just when I begin to look forward, I am forced to turn around and look back. Is preparation separate from capability? Because I'm not ready. I'm terrified.

Step One

One day, like a breath of fresh air, I realized writing is incontestably part of who I am. From that moment on, I wrote every day. Putting a pen to paper was my release... my redemption. Writing helped me discover what I wanted, who I was, and where I was going.

Almost a year ago, I suffered a tragic loss. I couldn't even pick up a pen. I was ashamed of the world and of myself. The last thing on my mind was expressing that. Writing about what I was going through would be admitting I hated myself, facing the world I so desperately despised, and confronting my faults. Someone I loved died, and part of me died with her. I slowly began to destroy myself. The artist in me fell into a deep black hole and I still don't know if I'm ready to find and fix that part of myself. My heart is still bleeding.

What I do know is that I have come a long way in the past year. I am forcing myself to look forward as well at within. And this is where I'm starting. Bear with me, this could be the most beautiful-painful-profound-terrifying-invigorating thing I will ever share with you.